


Two Small Fishes Across the Large Pond

by iijustoii



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji go to Japan, Canon-Typical Violence, College, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Hush Hush, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon Banana Fish, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Suffering, smut MAYBE, uwu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-01-13 00:08:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18457442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iijustoii/pseuds/iijustoii
Summary: After the two years in New York, Japan called for Eiji back. Of course, they never forgot their other half, but they were still burdaned with their obligations to remain apart. They say long distance relationships never work out, but the couple can work to have a bond that transcends time and distance, moon and sun, language and gender.





	1. First Big Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rewrite of the ending of Banana Fish because a) it sends a horrible message b) the entire fandom ignores it anyway and c) I need more fanfics of them. For reference, this just cuts out the last 5 minutes right before you know *cough* that death.

“You ready?” Max asked.

“Yep, I’m ready to go to Japan,” Ash nodded, determined but worried.

Max had gotten Ash to the airport and told him what to do, being a veteran of air travel. Ash looked around nervously, spooked by the wide spaces and carefree people.

“They can’t take guns or knifes on the airplane,” Max affirmed, which slightly alleviated Ash’s nerves, before adding, “but that’s not what I’m asking about,” Max smiled mischievously. “Are you ready to see Eiji?”

“...Yah…” Ash wistfully spoke, the idea of meeting Eiji making his insides wiggle with joy.

“I know that you too love each other,” Max said happily, putting an arm around him in a fatherly manner.

“That’s bullshit!” Ash retorted, his face turning a shade of pink that Max had never seen. _He does, he just won’t admit it to me._

He folded his arms and turned his back like a pouting child, adding, “and how are you and the old lady?”

“Don’t call my wife an old lady!” Max yelled back, Ash giving a successful side glance. “And if you are wondering, we are doing amazing, thank you very much!”

A general announcement went over the intercom, snapping them out of their bantering. Ash looked at his watch.

“I should probably get going.”

“Probably,” Max shrugged, walking him towards security. “Now, tell Eiji that everyone says hey.”

“I will,” Ash laughed, waving off.

He turned to face security, walking away from New York and steps closers to Japan, to Eiji.

Despite the hectic yet organized synergy of aerial travel, to Ash, the whole passage was too mundane. It didn't stop the constant feeling of eyes that pricked his neck, but none of that mattered, because he was finally able to see Eiji. He was going to Japan. He was getting away from New York for a whole week. No drugs to run, no guns to fire, no people to scare, to shot, to terrify, to thrill.

Ash had to take a deep breathe and center his thoughts back to not what mattered, but _who_ mattered. _Eiji_. The man that was thrust into Ash's world of power, drugs, sex, and every greed that man could abuse or not live without, but still came out clean. A small part of Ash that had been missing that was found in those big, brown eyes, and those tough hands, and that brimming smile.

Ash smiled pleasantly to himself, a warmth in the center of his chest spreading out and laugh in his throat that wanted to be released. God, he missed Eiji.

A loud announce for his flight woke him from his loving stupor, where Ash slung his backpack across his back and stepped off of America and onto the airplane. 

*     *     *

Eiji jumped out of bed that day and put clothes on, running out to meet Ibe-san and drive over to the airport, which was less crowded with people at 4am in the morning. The process was painfully slow, parking the car and walking out the baggage claim. He felt like he was moving in slow motion, and wasn’t able to determine whether it was the fatigue or the anticipation. Either way, they stood out and waited in the large airport, people walking here and there, quieted words flowing around their heads like a haze.

But there he was.

Ash, standing out among the paler, black haired Japanese people as a tall, skinny American boy with blond locks and jade eyes, waiting expectantly with suitcase in hand.

"ASH!"

Eiji sprinted towards Ash, who perked up at the sound of his name. Ash spotted a blurred figure that could only be Eiji, dropping all that weighted him down and crashing into a hard, heartfelt hug.

They were both crying like kids, out in the open and sobbing on each other's shoulders because they were _here_. They had gone through hell and back, been buried alive under memories and bodies, brought back to life, and gone through so much that they finally made it, here, in Japan, safe in each other's embrace. For each, it was dream, but it was real as well.

Eiji just held Ash in his arms and was the first to collect his emotions, whispering, “Welcome to Japan.”

Ash forced a laugh, and pulled away to see Eiji’s tearstained face, eyes and smile overflowing with happiness. Once Ibe-san walked up, the two separated awkwardly and wiped their faces, and Ash gave Ibe-san a manly hug-pat.

Ash had bought himself a hotel room and Eiji told his family he was out with friends while he took Ash sight seeing, giving them a whole week to themselves to be free. It was a whirlwind of planned outings, museums, and restaurants, each one better than the other. They laughed, teased, goofed off, and felt that the burdens' of adulthood had vanished for the time that they were together.

Throughout the entire escapade, Ash secretly hoped that he could stay for the rest of his life. He loved everything and everywhere they went, mostly because Eiji was right by his side, from the moment that 8am hit to late into the night when they departed to their respective rooms. It was pure bliss from start to finish, and Ash desperately did not want this to stop.

Eiji felt like he living a fantasy. Having Ash in Japan was more than he could have ever expected. Eiji's assignments, obligations, even social facade of neutrality were nothing compared to Ash's smile or his goofy antics or even the occasional brush of skin. He didn't care what anyone thought, that people gave him and Ash strange looks, they all walked by in the end and left the two in their joy.

Sadly, however, that joy ended too soon. The week did not last long enough, and Ash had to go back to New York or face ruin. He was already putting the care of his organization to the leaders, but no one kept order like Ash Lynx.

It wasn’t a sad affair because the two had already worked out when they would meet next, which wasn't far away, just three weeks, but there definitely was a cloud hanging over there heads when they got to the airport, a heavy silence that weighed on the two for different reasons.

Eiji didn't wanted this to end, but Ash wanted to leave something behind.

“I had an amazing time,” Ash affirmed finally, facing Eiji before the two arrived to security.

“Me too,” Eiji smiled somberly. “You’ll be missed…” 

“I know….”

Ash, staring into Eiji's glittering eyes and realizing that at that moment, nothing and everything had changed, threw caution to the wind. He swiftly stepped forward and gave Eiji a kiss on the cheek, a fire burning under his soft, porcelain skin.

_“I can’t wait to come back."_

Ash stepped back and winked charmingly before walking away, leaving Eiji a fluttered mess with his cheeks burning and a pounding heart, keeping his eyes trained on the small boy with the blond hair until he was lost the crowd of people.


	2. Loose Lips

After the first visit, they communicated incessantly. The time difference was rough but that didn't stop them from snapping pictures of scenery, texting cheeky comments, calling when they could, and video chatting when they planned. 

Their topics of discussion ranged from best food to which anime to watch next to who would win, Godzilla or Superman? Eiji tried to play it cool but it was hard to avoid the fact that all of Ash’s stupid answers made him laugh and miss him more.Most of their calls were stupid and short lived, the two terrified of expressing how much the other meant to each other without jeopardizing their precious relationship. Eiji would brag about his pole vaulting successes and Ash would say that “business was good,” meaning that no one had messed with them.

However, Eiji noticed how Ash would say it a little too calmly to be truthful. Eiji let it slide the first few times, but eventually, at the time of the week that Ash was usually available for a video chat, he wasn’t. Worried about what would happen if he called or texted, he held off till Ash’s morning time.

Ash picked up the phone, his voice raspy with sleep.

“Eiji? Why are you calling me, it’s 11am.”

“Well, I let you sleep in for a little before I called,” Eiji argued, “but we didn’t chat last night.”

“Oh yah, I was busy,” he grumbled gruffly, the drowsiness drowning his voice.

“What happened?”

“We...hit a snag. Part of Cain’s gang splintered. It’s all worked out now though.”

“I’m glad,” Eiji sighed, “but just, if something’s wrong, please tell me. I wanted to call last night but I was worried that I might mess something up by giving away you were or something.”

“Yah, okay.”

“Okay,” Eiji stated expectantly. “...Do you want me to hang up now?”

“Yes,” he grunted.

“Okay, take care Ash.”

“You too.”

After that little hiccup in communication, it was pretty smooth. They did have nights where Ash texted to not call, which he would respond to the next morning. Eiji also took agency and had to ask for a night off when test and projects were piling up.

When they were together in New York, Eiji took it as them being brothers, but after that kiss… even if it was a peck on the check, he had to think that it meant more. However, as they continued talking, their discourse was slowly threaded with more flirtatious nuances. For Eiji, it made him panic, unsure what to do or how to respond. For Ash, it was less conscious and more of him regretting what he said.

It was maddening but infectious and something they desired so deeply that they couldn’t stop.

The three weeks crawled by, and Eiji had another week off, and that meant another week with Ash. Eiji briefly visited his parents to remind them that he was still alive before setting out to pick up Ash. They did more sightseeing, went back to the best places and the best food, and walked around care-free but all the same falling for their happy smiles, laughs and teasing.

After a chilly but great first day, Eiji walked Ash back to his hotel with the tall, paneled buildings glossed over with the night’s reflection and the street lamps illuminating.

“Thank you for taking me out today,” Ash spoke, turning to face Eiji as they walked into the elevator.

“It wasn’t a problem, I had fun,” Eiji affirmed, a smile spreading across his cheek.

They rode in silence, until the two stepped onto Ash's floor.

“Hey, uhh, look.”

Ash’s face averted in unease and embarrassment, but there was a clear blush across the underneath of his eyes (which was startling for both of them, as Ash was usually strangely collected). They were walking and had arrived in front of Ash's door when Ash himself together enough to throw himself into his words.

“I just wanted you to know that… you’re an important person to me and I don’t know where I would be today without you.”

“You wouldn’t be in Japan, that’s for sure,” Eiji joked, lightening the air.

“Yah,” he laughed, forced but breathless. “You just, don’t expect anything out of me, and it makes me feel, light, I guess? And, I mean, I just… what I’m trying to say is that... I love you…”

Ash didn’t want to look into Eiji’s face, but his heart’s worry drew his eyes upon Eiji’s loudly blushing face. He was stunning and stunned. Ash was a person of very few words, but when he spoke, he spoke with meaning. Eiji was caught utterly off guard, never expecting for Ash to lay down such a bombshell of a proclamation.

Ash had thought a lot about Eiji since the two had departed. It took a lot of lonely nights and spontaneous calls to realize that he missed Eiji so deeply that the last time he had felt this lonely was when Griffen, the one family member he could claim he loved, left to go to the army. All of that loneliness fell away when his eyes locked onto the Japanese man, whose smile could probably cure cancer and definitely heal his soul and who was entirely too generous for the hardened mafia boss.

The realization was met with a lot of tears in some weird mix of relief and sadness, because he realized how much he had given to this man and what he could take, if Eiji didn't feel the same.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, forget it,” Ash muttered, embarrassed and fractured and feeling a hole open in his chest.

“I love you too…”

Eiji didn’t mean to speak such powerful words, as he had never known what love felt like, but he had also never felt the pounding in his chest. He couldn’t describe the feelings in his body in a more profound way than with that four-lettered word. All of his nerves felt like they were going to spontaneously combust but there was also an inexpressible amount of joy that buzzed in his body, overloading his sensing so much that he couldn’t think straight.

Ash’s face was also shocked, and the blush in his face reached the same shade of red as Eiji’s, their hearts hammering in sync and their minds sprinted with possibilities and meanings.

“Can I kiss you?” Ash whispered, unsure why he was whispering when he didn’t just announce his love so powerfully.

“Of course…”

Ash made his move as he gently laid his hand on Eiji face, who stole a glance at Ash’s soft hands, before watching Ash’s eyes flutter close and tilting Eiji’s head up to match with Ash’s warm lips.

The electricity that passed between them sent fire through their veins and peace in their souls. Eiji closed his eyes, hoping that by closing one sense he could fully take in more of these feelings. The way his hand gently travelled from across his cheek, the pressure their lips provided, the taste on their lips.

It was over too quickly, when Ash retracted and opened his eyes, watching how a wonderstruck Eiji blinked his eyes open into Ash’s smiling, content face. They both wanted more, but were timidly frazzled to approach the other. Ash's hand simply tucked a strand of hair behind Eiji's ear affectionately, and Ash unlocked the door of his hotel room, telling Eiji to get some sleep for tomorrow with a goofy smile across his lips as they bid farewell.

The two departed sadly, into the night, missing each other more as their distance grew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author note: With this amazing couple, I felt like they need to address their love before doing anything romantic. Boundaries are an important aspect of their relationship and if I wanted to go on more with the smoochy smoochy, they needed to confess their love. 
> 
> Head’s up, next week is going to be rough.
> 
> ~ ijustoii


	3. Baby Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of sexual abuse !!!  
> Please proceed at your own risk.
> 
> Also if the quality / writing style is different, it’s because I read a lot and realized that I needed more emotions and less impersonal accounts so this might be a little better.

Upon seeing Eiji’s newly blushing face in the hotel lobby, Ash’s instinctually grinned. _I look like an idiot_ he thought to himself, but Eiji couldn’t help smile endearingly.

“Shall we?” Eiji coughed, his voice coming out slightly squeakier.

“We shall,” Ash grinned happily, and, without thinking, took ahold of his hand. _Gosh this kid has no idea how cute he is_. Ash couldn’t get over his giddy grin, nor the lightheaded spin in his mind, but then again, neither could Eiji.

Eiji’s face burned pink when Ash dragged them out into the chill, but it quickly changed when Eiji pulled him along to their various adventures.

Eiji’s flirting was legendary. His comments even turned the hardened American gang leader into a blushing, bashful idiot. While Eiji took pride in making Ash blush, Ash exacted revenge. By the end of the day, Ash was sneaking surprise kisses to Eiji, a mischievous, childish grin spread across his cheeks at the sight of the flustered Japan boy, red faced and stammering for words.

Eiji, while caught up all to much in their expedition around Tokyo, couldn’t help but hear the harsh slurs and curses coming from some locals at the sight of their PDA (despite how all they did was hold hands, giggle, and sneak pecks).

The best kiss of the day, however, was when Eiji walked Ash to his room, where they both kissed each other senseless, away from the public’s eyes and letting the small, happy sounds escaping their throats. They stopped after feeling uncomfortable, and Ash watched the door close between them, sitting with his back to the door in glee.

Two days after, still wholly wrapped up in the feeling of being with each other, they hit a speed bump. After Ash’s fourth day in Tokyo, Eiji woke up to his phone humming in the middle of the night. Unsure and initially frustrated at whoever was causing his phone to ring deep into the night, he picked up the call. His heart stopped when he heard crying on the other end of the phone, a little too familiar. In scared confusion, he saw the caller ID, his skin turning cold and his stomach dropping below the floor.

“Ash!? Are you okay?”

“Eiji…”

He caught the swishy tinkle of a liquid, before he heard more silent crying. 

“Ash, I’m coming to your room, give me a minute, don’t hang up, okay?”

He threw his phone on speaker, hearing only breathing, as he threw on a jacket and shoes and hailed a taxi. All Eiji could pick out from the static was the occasional sob and the continued sound of him drinking some substance. While it took him longer than it should have, the growing dread and panic helped his legs move a little faster. Eiji finally knocked on the door insistently and heard shuffling on the other side.

“Ash! It’s me, open up,” Eiji pleaded, a chord of desperation ringing clear.

“Eiji, go away…”

There was a simpler pleading motive, but Eiji’s resolve didn’t waver.

“Ash, I’m not leaving till you open this door…” 

“...”

All he heard was shuffling and heard a lock click and Ash opened the door. His preciously golden hair was ruffled, falling just above his shining eye, but there was no happiness. Ash’s perfectly framed face was terribly tearstained, his shoulders slouched in shame. His head slightly tilted to the side and there was a large bottle between his fingers.

“Ash! What have you been drinking?” Eiji questioned, stepping in before Ash could slam the door on his face.

“Ju _st someth_ ing to _b-_ burn aw _ay_ the taste,” Ash slurred, the liquid sloshing around. Eiji snatched it before he could do any more harm, but Ash wasn’t finished.

“ _I_ nee _ded_ t _o_ p _ur_ ify _my_ insi _des_ , _you_ kn _ow?_ ” motioning lazily before taking a shaky step.

“What do you mean purify your insides, Ash?”

“ _Yo_ u of _ALL_ people s _hould_ k _now_ _what's_ gon _e_ _thr_ ough m _y in_ sides,” Ash stopped dead in his tracks, whispering, like a child telling a secret, but the tone added more to the shock factor. “ _M_ en’s s _we_ at, _Me_ n’s _sa_ liva, _Men’s_ c _-_.”

“Ash…”

“ _A_ nd _wh_ en we _kiss_ , it- _it_ re _m_ ind _s_ me _that I_ ’m unclean.”

Eiji felt some part of his chest cave in, his throat tightening. He had told Ash that he had loved, and it was true, and seeing him hurt by something Eiji himself had done almost broke him.

“Ash, you’re not unclean...” Eiji tried to explain, hoping that the sincerity of his voice would wipe Ash’s doubts away, maybe even his pain, maybe both of their suffering.

A deep silence pressed down on the two, Eiji trying to decipher this beaten raw Ash and Ash hoping to understand Eiji’s comfort through his brain.

“M _ay_ be…I’ _m just_ n _ev_ er _me_ a _n_ t to _for_ get all of _p_ ar _tn_ ers,” Ash spoke, a detached, far-off feel in his eyes and voice.

“ _I’_ m jus _t n_ ev _er go_ nna _b_ e a _b_ le _to k_ i _ss_ anyone _wi_ thou _t_ a _ll_ of _th_ os _e_ pe _dos_ _ki_ ss _in_ g _me_ back,” his voice hardening with syllable.

“Ash-”

“ _Or-_ or _tho_ se _g_ re _ed_ y _fucker_ _be_ twe _en_ m _y_ l _egs_ -”

“Ash, don't say that,” Eiji insisted, hoping to turn around Ash's hurt and hate. Ash face dropped in drunken emotion.

“ _I_ s it _bec_ au _s_ e _you w_ ant _to_ fu _ck_ me?”

“ASH!” Eiji screeched, his face enflamed in embarrassment unable to create a retort. The shrillness in his voice snapped Ash off of whatever tangent he had gone through, as he started laughing back hysterically and flopping down on the bed, and then when it was silent. Eiji heard more tears fall and sat next to him on the bed, Ash now hunched over with his hands across the bridge of his nose in a silent prayer. Eiji watched Ash crumple up like a burning piece of paper, the flame still eating him away but extinguishing with every second.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Eiji cooed, letting a sad, drunk Ash fall onto his shoulder, sobbing. He rubbed his back to sooth him and after a few long minutes, Ash’s breathing evened out and became light with sleep. Eiji sighed out some tension and somehow hoisted him and gently laid him on the bed, fumbling with his shoes and taking off the rest of his clothes, putting him under the blankets in his boxers.

Eiji was scared to leave him like this, so he fell asleep in the chair waiting for dawn to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm sorry...
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	4. Tremors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I would like to apologize for my hiatus. I mentioned on another post that I would be in the middle of exams, and everything piled up and I couldn't find time to post. Plus I started other works and so I took a break to write those and then I realized I needed to come back so please forgive me.
> 
> More comfort, less intense. I’m realizing that as I look back that I needed a hug (I still kinda do)...

Eiji woke up to the buzzing of his phone, a phone call from a partner of his project, which he promptly turned off and found Ash’s chest rose and fell at a steady pace, setting Eiji’s worry at ease enough to cause him to doze off again.

“Ugh…”

Ash woke up grumbling something, looking down at his almost naked body, extremely confused about how he had gotten there and why everything, the air, the sounds, the light, felt heavier than usual. Then it clicked together when he noticed Eiji sleeping in a chair beside the bed. Memories came flooding back to him and embarrassment spread across his face after locating the bottle from the layout missing. 

_ Oh crap _ . 

Ash’s motion must of disturbed Eiji, because he stretched out of his sleep, blinking the sunlight from his eyelashes. Ash was entranced, as he dazed over to Ash’s alert eyes. He was covering his chest with the sheet, hoping that the thin material would hide the obvious fact that he was over exposed. 

“Morning,” Eiji yawned nonchalantly. 

“Why did-what happened last night?” Ash questioned, flustered and trying to pull more of the covers over his cold body. 

“You got drunk,” Eiji stated tensely, watching Ash’s reaction’s with care. 

A deep realization hit Ash’s heart, reminding him why he had gotten so drunk. To forget the feeling of their lips together. He absentmindedly put his fingers to his lips, Eiji watching knowingly. He suddenly started crying, the tears welling up and spilling across his face, the shame and fear binding his chest in a vice-like hold. 

“Hey,” Eiji called, crossing the room and putting a hand to his face. Ash retracted, scared by what Eiji was meaning. Ash was worried that he was about press their lips together, but Eiji rested his hand on his cheek and wiped away his tears. More tears welling up at the thought of almost taking Eiji’s head off and for doubting his kindness. 

“I’m sorry Eiji.”

He said it so breathlessly and so sadly that Eiji could hear the breaking feeling in Ash’s heart (which was similar to how Eiji was feeling). Eiji sat down and held out his arms, feeling the trembling in his body. Words of apology were escaping of Ash’s mouth in an incoherent flow. 

“Shhh…” Eiji hummed, holding him close. “I’m sorry Ash. I didn’t know that you felt this way.”

“Goddammit it’s my fault,” Ash breathed angrily, hurting too much to piece himself together. He clutched onto Eiji hard, leaving a stain across Eiji’s shoulder. Eiji just held him close until the his body’s tremors faded away. 

“Ash,” Eiji whispered, facing his tired but still dazzling eyes, “next time, tell me if something doesn’t feel right. No matter what.”

Ash didn’t answer, just silently resigned to Eiji’s rhythmic breathing and warmth, unable to protest at the moment. Maybe when he was more collected, and not hungover. 

“Do you want to stay in?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Eiji affirmed, sitting their in a sirene suspension until they both pulled away.

Eiji helped take care of Ash’s hangover, who grumbled about the light slashing through the curtains and the smallest of noises. After a while, the two resigned to watching something on Ash’s laptop. While Eiji was kicking off his shoes and socks and pulling off his sweater, Ash complained that he was cold, mostly because he wanted Eiji’s tacky sweater, which hung with the aroma of Eiji and the warmth that was enwrapped within the fabric. Ash, after figuring out wifi in bewilderment and pulling up a show to watched, nuzzled into Eiji’s body. A few minutes in, Eiji placed a tender kiss on Ash’s forehead and rubbed his head, letting the love soak into his fractured heart. 

They ordered food in, watched too much, and joked enough that Eiji realized that they spent the entire day inside, doing nothing productive but everything needed. It was an unusual feeling for the two of them. After wrapping up dinner and their third dessert of the day, Eiji woke up at midnight, the show still playing and Ash asleep on his chest. He knew that he should leave and let him sleep in peace, but the neutral features set on Ash’s face kept him from moving. Ash was still in Eiji’s sweater, and Eiji was hot with Ash sleeping on him and under warm blankets. He moved Ash off temporarily, who grumbled in disapproval and rolled over on the other side, allowing him to take off his shirt. He looked at Ash’s rising chest and decided to slide up next to him, and fell asleep smiling. 

Deeper into the night, Eiji woke up to shaking, but it wasn’t him. Ash was trembling, his hands pulled tighter against his chest and his body folding inward. Eiji’s arm was caught in between Ash and his hands, which needed something to ground him, as his nails turning his arms red with crescent cuts. Finally, Eiji broke his silence when the tremors seemed to stop.

“Ash?”

Ash gasped awake, flailing away the sheets and still in shock. Eiji’s arm had snaked its way out from around Ash’s body, Eiji worried that he might set something off by trapping him under his lock. 

“Sorry…” was all either could say. 

Ash, humiliated and stoically silent, got up and closed the bathroom door, Eiji hearing the water run and uncertain if he was hearing rushing water or rushed tears. Eiji faced the opposite way, not sure if he should comfort him or pretend like it doesn’t exist. Eiji didn’t go to sleep until Ash would come back. He was still spooked by the fury of action and knew that Ash wasn’t okay, and so he laid waiting for Ash to take his time. 

He couldn’t tell how long Ash came back, but when he did, Ash quietly returned back to bed, but instead of sliding under the covers in an effort to go back to sleep, he sat with his back to the headboard, his breathing still shaky. Eiji decided to move his head into Ash’s lap, his thigh comfy and warm. Ash twirled a piece of hair, which he enjoyed, as he marveled at Eiji’s serene face which was searching for easy sleep. 

After that, Ash didn’t sleep a wink, frightened to find what else his memories would unearth, and resumed watching till the sun rose. 

Despite the sleep deprivation, Ash knew that he could get use to this. The bright beam of sunlight that transformed the particles of dust to glitter. The accompanying warmth beside him. Eiji, hair ruffled, eyes dazed, and smile curved in contentment, as he woke up and looked into Ash's glittering green eyes.

“Morning, love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting a special next week to make up for my posting betrayal. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!!! <3 
> 
> ~ iijustoii


	5. So, Books

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were two option. Pure hell after Ash’s recovery or fluff. I spared everyone and gave some fluff. Enjoy because I enjoyed writing this <3

Ash only has two days left in Japan. 

So where else could they spend time but in each other’s company. And getting books.

“You can get books anywhere,” Eiji insisted.

“Yah, but the one’s I read don’t come from Japan,” Ash offered. “Plus, I don’t own any books of my own.”

“Really!?”

If Ash wasn’t either taking care of business or sleeping, at least one of his hands was attached to a book. Eiji remembered find books  _ everywhere _ . On the kitchen counter. On the bathroom sink. Somehow, Eiji found one in the closet, flipped down to hold it’s place. So this was shock to Eiji that Ash, well-known bookworm, did not own a single book.

Ash had been given a book. Blanca had given him a copy of _Islands in the Stream_ but Ash, in a hot rage, burned it. Everything else was checked out from libraries. He had never had the opportunity to own a book, to use it, write in it, flip through the soft pages until it was a worn, loved heap of pages. 

“Okay, we’re changing that right now,” Eiji instructed, picking up his jacket.

Ash smiled at his determination and followed him out of their hotel room.

 

**________________________________________**

  
  


“So what do you usually read?” Ash questioned. He recollected on teasing Eiji about buying manga, but never asked what he read.

_ Do Japanese books and English books tell the same morals? _

“I read fantasy or science fiction. Sometimes they’re American books. They’re fun to get lost in.”

Ash nodded thoughtfully, trying to piece together what he’s first book should be.

“Non-fiction’s my go to, but I don’t think I want to keep a reference book as my first ever book.”

Eiji hummed in agreement.

“How about we see what’s there. I don’t know how many English books we can find.”

“You’re right,” Ash spoke, a hand lacing through Eiji’s. “We’ll see when we get there.”

 

**________________________________________**

  
  


Eiji managed to find the largest book store near them, which was shelved head to toe in bound paper. Most of the covers were bright, poppy colors, symbols etched into the side. Still, when Ash thumbed through a book, it smelled like fresh, earthy paper. 

Eiji started laughing, until Ash noticed that it was directed towards him.

“I like how books smell!” Ash exclaimed.

“But the first thing you do is pick up a book and smell it?!” Eiji teased.

“Well, it’s not like I can understand anything,” Ash exposing the black characters for emphasis.

Eiji shook his head and picked out a book, opening it from the wrong side.

“Why are you opening it backwards?” Ash laughed.

“Because that’s how you read in Japanese,” Eiji told him. Sure enough, Ash noticed lines of characters ended at the left most column instead of the right most. 

“You have a weird language,” Ash informed Eiji, setting the book back. “Where is some of my English?”

Eiji rolled his eyes at the comment and lead him through the labyrinth of shelves until a small, dusty corner had latin characters, put together into English words.

“I came back here once to see if I could practice, but they’re a little to advanced for me. Plus it would take me 5 minutes to read one page.”

Ash saw some familiar titles, literary classics or teaching books. There was one that drew Ash’s eye. Ash pulled it out of it’s place and saw the vintage cover of people dressed in flowing clothes and a man with bunned hair in the corner. 

“Oh,  _ The Tale of Genji _ is a good book. I read it in high school.”

Ash flipped the cover over and read the blurb on the back. It wasn’t necessarily Ash’s cup of tea, but it felt right. 

“I’ll read it. Even if it isn’t any good, it’ll be a nice momento,” Ash turning into Eiji’s impossibly bright grin. 

“You’ll like it.”

Ash picked up another English book, turning it over absentmindedly.

“How about this,” Eiji offered, taking the book from Ash’s hand and capturing Ash’s attention. “You pick out a book in English for me to read and I pick out on in Japanese.”

“I can’t even read in Japanese,” Ash muttered.

“That I’ll read it to you.”

Ash didn’t want to admit, but he enjoyed Eiji’s soft, deep voice. Any excuse to hear Eiji speak was a gift in disguise. 

“...Fine, you have me sold.” 

Ash shamelessly handed Eiji one the harder English books, making him groan he opened the first page. 

“What era is this from?” Eiji whined, eyes glancing over the words packed within the confines of the page.

“15th century.”

“Ash~” Eiji complained, Ash giggling at the childish pout on his face.

Suddenly they noticed the stillness of the air and the quiet of their corner. How no one was around to disturb their energy. The crinkle in Ash’s eyes flattened into something more wondrous, something that drew Eiji in closer to that warmth. 

Eiji froze when Ash’s breathe had inched it’s way to his lips. The last time they laid lips on each other, it ended with tears and a hangover. Eiji didn’t want to send Ash back to America as the same broken result. 

“Is this okay?” Eiji questioned gently.

Ash’s eyes flashed quickly before he nodded his head. 

The library was the one of the only places in Ash’s mind where he was safe from harm. No one had ever intruded in his sanctuary of paper and words, where he could lose himself in the knowledge that expanded his world outside the hell he was living. The only person who had ever visited him in the library was Eiji. 

Ash figured that a bookstore wasn’t so different from a library. 

Eiji cupped his hand in Ash’s cheek, who leaned into Eiji’s warmth. It’s when he opened his eyes with a shine of desire, the reflection of Eiji in his jade irises, that Eiji pressed their lips together. 

They both missed this. The way their lips brushed over each other, but still slamming dizzying joy through each lost breathe. 

To Ash, Eiji tasted like nothing.

To Eiji, Ash tasted like everything. 

Eiji pulled away, Ash’s eyes twinkling happily as a smile spread across his face.

The couple marveled at their rekindled meaning, Eiji brushing his thumb along Ash’s jaw.

“We should probably-”

“Yah-” 

Eiji coughed, stepping out of Ash’s personal space and back into their surroundings. He blushing at the idea that the two had reconnected in such a public place. 

“So, books.”

 

**________________________________________**

  
  


The pair departed from the secluded English section, Eiji picking up a thin book in Japanese before they left

“Here, this is for you,” Eiji told. “I can read it to you later, if you want.”

“That sounds amazing,” Ash grinned, overwhelming sincerity in his voice.

Eiji paid, but the girl behind the counter faced Ash and started conversing. Eiji jumped in and motioned to Ash. The girl behind the counter giggling at one point, following up with a comment. Eiji finished the transaction and left with a smile. 

“What happened in there?” Ash asked.

“The girl said she liked your hair.”

“Do you like my hair?” Ash questioned, pulling a lock of gold and twirling around his finger, throwing a flirtatious look at Eiji.  

“I like everything about you Ash,” Eiji said with genuine contentment that Ash started blushing. “What? Did I say something wrong?”

“You can’t say that with such a straight face!” Ash admonished, face rising into a deeper pink.

“But I’m not straight.”

“Oh my god, Eiji,” Ash groaned, Eiji laughing with giddiness at how flustered Ash was becoming.

 

**________________________________________**

  
  


The two ended up at a park. 

Eiji was leaning on the truck of a tree under the green shade of a tree, with Ash’s head in his lap.

The two had gotten a late lunch after they’re adventure to the bookstore and Ash feel asleep in his lap, despite the mass of loud people milling around them. Eiji read the book Ash had given him in English, but after the effort it took, Eiji switched books and read another book he had picked up. 

The two definitely got attention. Eiji could hear whispers, some pointing at the foreigner or the apparent comfort of the two. Eiji didn’t want to disturb Ash’s sleep, so turned back to his book to avoid the glances of the public and their venomous words. 

Ash woke up, yawning, apologizing for fall asleep. 

“It’s good.”

Ash took it as an invitation to falling back into his lap, Eiji ruffling his hair affectionately.

It was one of those moments that Ash’s wish they could stay in for the rest of time. The deep blue cloudless sky above, the warmth of the air and sunlight baking them, the tranquility and wave of trees. Ash could turned his eyes onto Eiji, eyes glimmering with focus and expression relaxed.

Ash sighed.

It was blissful, being caught where the two could be silently comfortable. The comfort wasn’t out of mental collapse or haunting memories. It was out of peace. And that was all that Ash had ever wished for.

This was all they needed to be at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was fluffy enough.
> 
> Heads up, the next part will not be fun (sorry)...
> 
> ( U 3 U ) <3


	6. Pink Droplets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write weird. Like I have twenty different ideas but can't settle down to post any of them. So here we are...
> 
> !!! TRIGGER WARNING !!!  
> Graphic Depictions of Violence (the tags have changed)
> 
> For reference: Ash is back in New York after last chapter's events
> 
> I'm going to start connecting all of these events so that it's less one-shots and more actual story with plot that I'm winging (that's how it be). 
> 
> Anyways, please be careful, this one is a little bumpy

Oh, how Aslan Callenresse would give anything to stay by his sweet Ei-chan’s side, just as he had promised a lifetime ago. 

Why did Ash think it was a smart idea to keep the business running and not just run away with Eiji to Japan? Why did he continue to tie himself down to the city that never sleeps?

Because unlike when he ran away the first time, he has people. People like Cain and Sing and Alex and all of the gang members and their families who depend on their income. They needed the work more than Ash did. Sure, it was dirty work, but it was work. 

That’s what Ash told himself when the couple first agreed to their arrangement, but god was it painful.

They could both hear the sorrow in their words when they ended call, video chats, or long strings of messages, but nothing was the same as being close to each other. Ash had always yearned for something close. Something tangible that was  _ his _ and  _ his _ alone. Something not tainted by his life or his past, but still clean and pure and angelic as Eiji Okumera. 

It was a thought that made Aslan doubt so much what he had with Eiji wasn’t out of pity or kindness and not out of affection, despite how Eiji told him he loved him in the fewest words or in the simplest ways whenever they interacted. Because while Eiji was still clean, Ash was dirty. Eiji was Ash’s light while Ash was Eiji’s dark. 

The day’s events were a good example of that. 

Ash turned off the faucet for scalding water, which was sprinkled in pink droplets across the bowl of the sink. Ash put his washed hands on the edge of the sink, staring into how the water spiraled into the small abyss found at the bottom, guiding the water away into whatever nastiness laid in the sewers. 

The water stained pink by what was red on his hands. 

  
  


**________________________________________**

  
  
  


Today wasn’t a good day. 

Ash had arrived back in New York a day ago and was itching to check on his enterprise. Everything was going smoothly until Ash decided it was a smart idea to check on Chinatown and bring trouble with him. And by trouble, he meant a rival gang. Sing had mentioned it in passing and complained that shipments had been stolen, but that he affirmed Ash that he would handle it. Somehow, they had been spying on their operation and when Ash showed up, they decided to seize the opportunity of taking out the lynx loose in the streets.

Ash had heard them coming and barely had time to turn and pull the trigger, but it was more startling a feeling that before. He had handled his gun every day (except the days when he was with Eiji: his rules) and fired it a few times in shows of power, but the last person he had shot to kill was a faceless minion, much like this person.

Sing was not the type of person to strike first, so he was the first to get hit, a shot straight through his right forearm and disabling off his throwing arm. While Ash was trying to fend of their attackers with support from the Chinese gang Sing ran with, Ash noticed an archway into New York’s own maze of abandoned buildings. At the time, Ash knew he had to get the enemy away from their business and into Ash’s personal jungle. 

Twelve men ran off. One came back, coated in blood up to his wrist but unharmed.

Talk about having someone’s blood on your hands. 

  
  


**________________________________________**

  
  
  


Ash had been scrubbing until red turned to pink, but no matter how hard he scraped his

skin, Ash still felt that sticky metallic liquid in the creases of his hand, parting the small hairs of his knuckles, somehow being absorbed into his bloodstream. 

What’s worse, he kept replaying the scene over and over in his head. The way their eyes glazed over and pupils expanded into nothing. How the blood seeped across the floor and covered his hands as he fell to the ground. The moment he ran out of bullets and turned to his switchblade, plunging and cut through skin like it was butter. That horribly exhilarating adrenaline that coursed through soul. 

Ash swallowed the burning bile in his throat and threw water at his face in hopes of washing away his sins.  _ Like rusty tap water will save my soul. _

A knock on the bathroom door spiked the dangerous emotions in his chest.  _ I can’t have one minute of damn peace, can I?! _

Ash threw open the door with a terrifying scowl on his face.

“What?!” he shouted, his displeasure rippling across Alex, his second-in-command. He was holding a phone in one hand. Alex has been on the receiving end of Ash’s anger more than once, but the man is still scared shitless of Lynx. Instead of explaining himself, he offers the phone as explanation. 

He snatched it with this several grumbles, slammed the door behind him, and put it to his ear. Alex walked away.

“Who is this?!” Ash commanded, his fury building with each minor annoyance.

“Ash…It’s Eiji.”

Emotions vomited out of his heart. Eiji’s stern but hurt tone upon that tone only makes the feelings bottled in Ash groan under the pressure. So many feeling are milling around Ash and his mind and body and reason and conscious that he doesn’t know where he starts or ends or exist. Ruler among the feelings was pain, with shame and hurt the sons promised the kingdom of Ash’s soul. 

“Eiji…I’m sorry, I just...”

Ash place his back to the closed bathroom door and slide down the tile, turning the phone on speaker so he didn’t have to hold it to his ear and let Eiji’s voice ring.

“I got worried when you didn’t call.”

They promised to call the other day but the day’s events had occupied his memory. Ash groaned in miserable regret. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Ash...what happened?”

Eiji’s words were washed in concern and care that Ash couldn’t help but let the emotions inside him break. He let out a watery, shaking sigh, uncaring for who neared the closed door.

“We got ambushed by a rival gang. Sing went down so I had to lure them away from the drop...”

Ash felt like he was digging into a bullet wound, blindly painful and debilitating but fatally necessary. 

“And I ran out of bullets, so I had to…”

Ash could bring himself to describe it, but Eiji was gratified enough. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

Aslan couldn’t bring himself to be strong any more, even as he tried to hold back sobs, loud, desperate, painful gasp escaped his voice, tears pouring down his face as he clutched the small phone, his literal and metaphorical lifeline.

Ash Lynx and Aslan Callenreese had this internal battle before. Who’s fault the blame laid on. Ash Lynx was convinced that it was all his fault, that if he wasn’t such a goddamn monster than he wouldn’t have been able to slaughter those men. Aslan Callenresse plead that it wasn’t his fault, that the blame lies with the cruel intentions of others. Of course, they both agreed that whatever Eiji said had to be the truth, had to be the right, had to be their teether. 

Ash had rarely broke down crying apart, from after nightmares or the multitude of other desecrating acts, but Aslan needed this. The feeling of tears passing through the cracks in his fractured facade and spilling out the overwhelming, overflowing emotions was  _ serene _ . Despite the anguish clawing in his chest, the searing memory branded across his conscious, even the methodical drip of the water where he tried to cleanse himself, he felt better than he had all day. Ash had suppressed so many emotions into one being that they needed a release, and sometimes they brewed into an ugly concoction that poisoned his dreams, but this...this is what he needed. 

Eiji continued his reasoning, more reasons to break down in relief and sounding more right with every word. Ash would add details, Eiji wrapping them around his stance until Ash was sure that he wasn’t a monster, that he wasn’t an unloving creature, that he could actually be as much of an angel as he could be (considered he had to take multiple lives) rather than the devil.

After the well of Ash’s eyes dried up, leaving him incapable of the clean, salty tears, he released the heavy air in his chest.

“Thank you Eiji... I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk.”

“Ash, we did get to talk.”

“Yah, but not about you.” Eiji knew that Ash wasn’t the person to avoid something like the plague, but he was done talking about himself and his problems. “How is school?”

Eiji almost felt bad for talking about how normal his life was while his boyfriend was on the other side of the world crying his eyes out because he had gone soft for Eiji. Neither admitted it, but Ash Lynx did little but break down in nightmares or on bad days, cry alone. Now that he had a taste of the sweet comfort Eiji had provided, Aslan needed more to heal. It wasn’t a drug, an addiction that would drag him into another hole. No, it was a balm to rub over his aching, old scars and fresh, open scratches and soft, dirtied skin.

Eiji took pride in being Ash’s, but it was equally as painful to have him rip out the careful stitching that held his other half together for so long. 

After his mediocre explanation about college life (something that Ash had missed out on), the silence at the other end of the phone was okay. 

“I wish I could see you,” Eiji ended with, after several seconds of static. “Or give you a hug.”

“You do give the best hugs,” Ash laughed, and it was genuine and tired. “I could really use one right now.”

“I’m sorry…” is all Eiji feel like he can provide, but Ash shots him down.

“No worries. I’ll be fine.”

“Ash, no offense, but you’re not fine.”

“You’re right,” Ash admits with a sigh, an observation so obvious but never spoke out loud. They didn’t need the glaring evidence. Ash won’t dig up his past, Eiji wouldn’t point out where his mind goes when he sleeps. It’s a silent agreement to not point out what would only hurt. 

“...What do you need me to do?”

Ash shrugs but then he remembers that Eiji can’t see him. “I don’t know.” Ash was only certain of one thing, and that he was uncertain how to feel.

They sit in a delicate silence, the intimate void of noise that cloaks them when they realize that there is no one but the two of them, existing by the beat of their hearts and their small breathe of life. 

A thought sparked in Eiji’s head, almost making him jump into action. “How about I send you something?”

“Like a meme?” Ash chuckles. “You know I don’t get your humor.”

“Hey, I try!” Eiji complains, but continues. “No, I was thinking a package.”

“Oh.” Ash had never thought of something like that, some physical reminder of Eiji being in his life was as important, but after taking home his own book instead of the man himself, he felt like he needed more. Plus,  it sounded pleasant to expect something physical and arduous rather than easy and instantaneous. “Yah sure. What were you thinking about sending?”

“How about that mochi that you really liked?”

“Oh hell yes,” Ash smiled, a giggle on the other end of the call lighting up his heart. 

“I will send other things, but you will have to wait.”

“That’s okay,” Ash sniffles, “for you, I’d wait for eternity.”

“...Ash, that’s probably the silliest thing I have heard come out of your mouth.”

Ash laughs at how Eiji is trying to say how corny he is being, but the lightness in his heart plummets and his laughter stops when he realized that he has to end this at some point.

“Can you stay on till I fall asleep?” Ash says weakly, admitting how his mind won’t rest unless Eiji is by his call. 

“Of course, but are I not calling on Alex’s phone?”

Ash looks down and notices the call has already been going on for half an hour and that Alex hasn’t come back for his phone. 

“I’ll leave a note. He can live without it for the night.”

Ash peeps open the door and scuttles into his room, locking the door behind him and flopping on the bed, peeling off the blood-spattered clothes and creating a burn pile in the corner of his room. 

Eiji hums on the other end and Ash sets himself down, asking Eiji to tell him a bedtime story. Eiji entertains, telling a whimsical tall of a two fish divided by a large sea. Ash loves hearing Eiji’s soft, broken English, but the sound lulls his eyes close and see sleeps quietly as Eiji tells their tale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the kudos and comments!!! I don't think I can tell you how happy it makes me to wake up and see all of the love and support for something that I hold dear to my heart <3
> 
> Anyways, have a good day and please come back for more :)
> 
> ( o 3 o ) <3


	7. Boxed Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaddup! I'm in the middle of a tropical storm so I don't know when else I will be able to publish this. Right now, the worst that has happened is my street flooded and since then, nothing has happened, but my internet is awful because the electricity went off and back on. I'm safe, don't worry, and I've rode through worse weather systems. 
> 
> Note: Mochi is a Japanese-based frozen treat. It’s basically ice cream encased in a flavored membrane and it’s yummy. 
> 
> Side Note: I went through and changed small aspects of the beginning chapters, but not the overall plot, so if you look back and it’s got an extra paragraph or two, that’s why. 
> 
> Also I’m trying to write a delicate balance of angst and fluff because I love my children but I need them to grow as well, but this fluff with a tinge of angst. May I say, after I finished the chapter before, I realized how much I wanted to write about Eiji sending a package that I sat down and wrote most of this.

Ash was texting Eiji about a reference to an American movie called Fight Club when he got a notification about a package. He jumped up, threw his jacket over, and rushed out, yelling that he would be back, much to the guard’s bewilderment. 

He arrived at the P.O. box that he had recently rented, signing a document before the clerk behind the counter came back with a large package.

“Got any clue what’s inside?” the clerked asked, Ash shrugging in response and taking it with him. 

Ash was delighted with his first package. 

Obviously, there was a box of melted mango mochi, which was quickly place in the fridge at their home base. Over the course of the week, various gang members would catch Ash dipping into the freezer and pulling out an orange treat to snack on. Eventually, Bones asked what it was, Ash entertaining with a simple glower. The gang had a silent interest what it was, considering that no American food looked like a colored lump, but Ash spared one for the crew, who passed around the small chilled ice cream treat and deemed the morsal tasty.

Ash texted Eiji  **The gang loves the mochi.** later with a reply in the afternoon that he would send more.

Eiji had ordered more English literature books and fitted them in, each a different genre and every page fresh, whispering with a story to tell. Ash had gone through the first book, humored by the book but finding that he wouldn’t read it again. Ash wasn’t a romantic in any sense (Eiji could avidly attest to that), so it wasn’t necessarily his favorite book. Still, Eiji had given it to him and written a short, sweet note, along with a group of Japanese symbols that Ash had decipher to say  _ I like you a lot _ . He read the description on the backs of each, piling them in interest order, before turning to what else was in store.

Ash pulled out a small, thin notebook that when he opened, photographs were taped to the inside. He thumbed through the pages, finding inkings on the later pages and draws scribbled across pages. He sat down and started at the beginning, ready for the pictures to tell their own tale.

 The first few pages had yellowed photographs, scratchy symbols that set the date when Eiji was 8. Most of them were snippets of a house, a toddler that Ash suspected was his sister, and a tired woman that’s face light up with a smile that Ash had become familiar. Eiji’s mother. 

The next phase was a new, but they were more enticing to the eye. Lense flare of sky blue days with a tree poking out of the corner. A track field milling with athletes. A view of a clean airport that Ash knew wasn’t American just by the brightness of the walls and not the swatches of black hair that covers almost every single civilian.

Finally, it passes into familiar territory, as various gratified street corners and broken New York scenes were shown back at him photographed in electrically bright colors and muddled brick browns. Ash knew where every picture was taken, and promised one day to follow in Eiji’s footsteps and track where each photo had been taken until he ends up at the bar, where the first picture of people were the band of misfits that ran in Ash’s gang, Ash’s face purposefully turned away.

He turned the page to a new collection. There were glamor shots of the various gang members, mostly of Bones and Kong and Alex posed in model poses. There was a picture of the layout of their living room, one unoccupied with anything telling but a simple abandoned room in New York. Ash noticed a scene with stick figures, one with strands of hair and crying eyes, the other’s head a pumpkin. There was also a poorly drawn shrimp, but Ash didn’t comment on it’s quality. After all, Ash drew for shit.

It felt like he was traveling through a time capsule, not one with pain and suffering, but with memories he wanted to hold onto, the delicate paper and photographs the only thing holding together these moments. 

He flipped the page and smiled.

Eiji had gotten pictures of Shorter, who had his arm pulled over Ash’s shoulder, smiling and holding up a peace sign. If the next picture didn’t describe their relationship, he didn’t know what to say, because now Shorter and Ash were squatting on the ground, hands in fake prayer, acting like  _ total losers. _ Ash had the urge to pull the picture out, but he decided to keep it in its place for now. 

Ash remembers the rest of these pictures because he had asked Eiji if he wanted a picture of himself taken. Eiji accepted carefully, reasoning that if Ash was willing to hand over his gun, Eiji could part with his camera for a few shoots. The first, Eiji held himself awkwardly, until his smile softened into something Ash recognized as genuine. Shorter had photobombed a few of Eiji’s shots until he was pulled next to Eiji, Ash’s two favorite people, captured in one photo. Then Ash and Shorter traded places, the only picture of the two together yet, and it was weirdly intimate to see the two in such innocent pleasure. There was one with both of them laughing, and it was made Ash’s heart squeezed with longing that Ash tried to avert his attention.

It didn’t help that Ash’s eyes landed on a photo of the three, each smiling happily into the camera with Ash caught between the two Asians. The picture made his heart smile and hurt all at the same time because it was physical proof their existence together but it pained Aslan to see them unaware of the tragedy that was about to desecrate this image. 

Ash flipped the page and almost burst into tears. 

Eiji had dedicated a whole page to an extremely realistic portrait of Shorter, smiling and staring off into some corner of existence, his date of birth and death scribed at the bottom. 

God, he missed Shorter. Before Eiji, he was not only a brother-in-arms, but one of the three people Ash could truly call his friend (the only living one being Eiji). A kid on the streets making a way out for himself while being raised under Dino and taught by Blanca, he desperately need a person with a little humanity, much less compassion. A small kid in the big city needed a friend, and that’s what Shorter did for him. Shorter Wong made him smile and laugh and feel something lighter when all that he could remember before was dark and terrifying and dangerous. Shorter had given him the little companionship that he needed, and Ash knew that he would never be able to repay Shorter for what he did for him.

Ash closed the book for now, promising to look at it more as he set it on the bed.

Ash pulled out a jacket. There was a large, yellow insignia patch against the blue fabric, the collar three elastic straps that fit like a bomber jacket. It was lightly worn, but when Ash put it to his cheek, he caught the smell of lavender detergent and a trace of a pleasantly natural smell.  _ Eiji _ .

The single article of clothing gave him protection from the cold while Eiji was stuck in Japan, or reminded him that he was still a part of his life. It wasn’t an expensive jade earring punched into his ear, it was an old high school jacket, something that had character and warmth and could be shed or wrapped closer by choice. 

The gang noticed his new attire and commented on it. Cain, using his powers of deduction, asked if Eiji had sent it to him. Luckily it was only the two of them because Ash started blushing like a damn school girl, but Cain just chuckled and clapped him on the shoulder, assuring Ash that he would keep his silence.

It quickly became his favorite jacket and as the smell slowly started to fade and twist into something that Ash recognized as his own, he wore it less and less and cherished it on rough nights and sad calls. 

“Hey, Eiji,” Ash asked sheepishly, drawing in the folds of the jacket around his bent legs and thumbing the sleeve of it during one of their calls. “Could you send me another jacket?”

“Why? Did you mess it up?” Eiji asked pointedly.

“No, I just...I like having your clothes…”

The silence on the other end of the phone doesn’t help. 

“I know it’s stupid and I-”

Eiji burst into laughter, happy gasp of air leaving his voice as he tried to collect himself. “I’m sorry, I just never imagined you liked my sense of style.”

Ash chortled at the comment because that fact held true, but that didn’t change his mind the slightest.

“Sure, I will send some more stuff.”

“Thanks babe,” Ash cheered happily, Eiji laughing on the other end.

**________________________________________**

 

Instead of one package, there were two boxes when Ash went to his drop box. 

The first box was packed with all flavors of mochi. Ash deposited the supply into all of the freezer space available, barely fitting it among the bags of ice and frozen pizzas. He took on the arduous and excruciating task of eating one whole box to fit the rest, taking a selfie as proof. 

As time passed, he noticed boxes going missing. He wasn’t bothered, rather encouraged the others to take the ridiculous number of treats off his hands because it was entirely too much for one to eat, but he took the liberty of scratching an  **A** into a few to lay claim to unexplored flavors. 

It was funny to see Sing’s face when Ash bite into one, Cain booming with laughter when Sing called Ash a heathen for biting into the ice cream treat. Ash handed him one and soon, every single gang member was sniffing it with intrigue. It was off putting to see all of them act like children trying to figure out how to eat it. Ash ate it indifferently but instead of a weeping cold that passed down into his stomach, a warmth rested in his belly, a contentment that Eiji hadn’t left without leaving something behind.

Ash didn’t find any books, but he found plenty of clothes. Folded neatly was a windbreak, a sweatshirt with a bunch of characters across the chest, a fade, baggy shirt with dark orange tones and grey writing of the sun, a pair of sweatpants, and a fuzzy blanket.

The warmth, the comfort, the care,  _ the love _ was overwhelming. It was enfolded in every piece of fabric, every weave of cloth, every stitched thread. It made Ash’s heart ache more, because it was secretly a shallow substitute for the man he loved, and missed too much but to have his scent be the one thing that pulls him back. 

Ash called him a fury of emotions and started crying about how much he missed him, Eiji throat tightening up and reminding him that they had two more weeks. 

“In the meantime, I sure Nori can keep you company.”

Ash let out a wet laugh, holding up fat stuffed bird by the foot.

“Is that what this is?” Ash accused, a humor breaking through his raw voice.

It was a red robin with an excessively large blue belly. All of its features, its eyes, its beak, its wings, were all rounded and soft. 

“Be careful with him!” 

Ash looked down at it and plopped it on his bed, picking up the sweatshirt and sliding it on, gripping onto the collar and deeply breathing in the lavender detergent with undertones of Eiji, wiping him back to another time.

A time when his cheek was pressed against Eiji’s green coat, his shirt torn and body uncontrollably shaking, eyes unfocused and mind wandering while he tried to collect himself. A time when he snuck into Eiji’s bed during a bad nightmare to remind himself that he had someone who would protect him from his demons, the scent seeping into his soul like a cleanser. A time not so long ago when they spent the day sitting in his hotel room and watched nonsense, Eiji’s sweater across his shoulder and the man himself, draped across his lap, breathing rhythmically. 

After Eiji told him that he loved him, but he has to study for the test, Ash pulled out a book and listened to the distorted chords of music while Eiji studied. In random intervals, he would explain to Ash the information, Ash nodding his head in acknowledgement even though he had no clue what happened during the Edo period. 

“I am getting nothing done,” Eiji groaned, closing his computer with a finality and sliding something offscreen. He rubbed his eyes, tiredly and stared at Ash, who had looked up from his book.

“What time is it there?” Ash questioned.

“One,” Eiji grumbled heavily. “But I need to keep studying. I would take a nap, but you got wake me up in an hour,” Eiji pointed, Ash frowning at having to waking up Eiji even though he was keenly aware of how little sleep he was getting.

“Fine,” Ash shrugged, pulling his book up and setting an alarm on his phone. 

“Good nighty,” Eiji cooed, throwing a sleep kiss to the screen and putting an earbud sleepy, unaware how deep Ash’s blush ran.

Ash set a timer, and faced the stuffed animal with a delicate hold. Nori looked loved, with fabric flecked with small balls of pulled comfort, a stray thread hanging from somewhere, and patch on its side. Ash ran his thumb across the apparent stitches on the bird’s foot where it connected to the body. 

It looked like nothing, but to Ash, it meant more than everything. Ash could feel how warm it was under his palms, how soft it felt against his nerves, how precious it was. It was too much, and Ash almost felt like sending it back to Eiji because it was too much.

Too much of a reminder what he didn’t have. Eiji. A normal childhood. A plush comfort.

Now it’s eyes were mocking him like it was digging through his soul, unearthing truths, seeing him all of his invisible horror. It was the same eyes he saw in small children or wise toddlers. The eyes of honest adolescence. Because no matter how he walked, talked, appeared, they knew that something was missing. Something that they had and he had missed. 

Ash set down the bird, throwing himself back into his book and eventually, throwing the windbreaker over its eyes.

The alarm rang out, startling Eiji, who grumbled in Japanese and fell back to his sleeping position.

“Ash, can you please turn off the alarm?”

Ash promptly turned off the rambuncious noise, Eiji getting up and carrying him to get something from the vending machine.

“So, how is everything working out for you?” Eiji asked as the machine wound behind him.

“Good. The boys love the mochi, especially the green tea, but we are flushed.”

“Flushed?” Eiji questioned.

“We have plenty,” Ash explained, a laugh on his tongue. 

“Okay, good, because I was truely lost.”

Ash smiled fondly, but Eiji’s expression dropped. 

“What bothering you?”

“What do you mean?” Ash questioned with the gentle lean of the head.

“You get too calm when you’re lying.”

Ash grew quiet because his voice may betray him but the silence can only confirm or deny before leaving the rest a mystery. Eiji hoped his face would tell, but it was set in a poker face only death could break.

“Fine, then no more mochi.”

Ash sighed, realizing that he would lose more by not telling than setting it free.

“I just feel like it’s too much. I have no idea how to repay you.”

“Ash, you don’t have to,” Eiji comforted, a frown in his words. “I am giving it to you.”

“I know, but it all feels so personal. Like I’m taking all of these things that mean so much to you but not giving you anything personal of my own.”

Eiji starts to open his mouth to an arguement-ending statement about Ash giving something personal of his own in fair trade, but they both know that Ash ran away with nothing and still have very little to call his own. Even his trusted revolver, something that hasn’t let him down yet, is a replacement. So he gives the next best thing.

“Ash, you give me enough already.”

“Like what?” Ash asks with a jagged edge.

“Kindness. Trust. Confidence. Laughter...Love.”

Ash wants to protest with a bitter  _ you do the same for me _ but sees that he is fighting a losing battle. Ash knows he is already raw from filling the oceans with his salty tears and concedes to avoid drama (something he avoids with a focused motivation). While there is a saying ‘it is honorable to fight the losing battle,’ tearing at seams and threatening already tender emotions is not on Ash’s agenda.

“Also you saved my life several times.”

Ash shrugs because they have saved each other an unnumerable amount of times. Neither wants to admit how indebted they are to the other, because in the end, it leads to how giving and good they are for the other and it would somehow morph it would be a compeition of their love, another losing battle with an unspoken victor. Only because it’s obvious that the two boys from both love each other to the ends of the Earth (quiet literally).

“Can you at least take the bird back? It’s fucking creepy.”

“Nori is not creepy!” Eiji shouts, defending his childhood stuff animal.

“It’s eyes look like it’s staring into my soul.”

“I doubt it,” Eiji snorts, “but I’ll take him back if he’s bothering you much.” 

“Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also if you want to know, yes, Ash’s agenda includes being gay (it’s a really bad gay agenda joke, you can groan and move on)
> 
> Thank you for all of the kudos and comments!!! They mean so much to me :)
> 
> HEADS UP! I wanted to write a chapter using songs pertaining to Ash and Eiji. I'm planning on creating three playlist, one for lovesick Eiji and one for lovesick Ash (which is basically love songs and songs that characterize them) and one for sad boi Ash (songs to listen to when you're depressed). I have some cool songs I've found and I have my own sad boi playlist but I'm happy for any songs that you have in mind. It can be being in different languages, different genres, it doesn't matter. If you have any good recommendations for songs, comment down below. Thank you!!!


	8. A Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been several months and I’m sorry, but school is a bitch. 
> 
> Also to all of my Americans, happy Labor Day! (AKA happy unnecessary national holiday!)

The cheery beat of Eiji’s alarm blaring at 6:30 in the morning was probably the worst sound he has heard. It haunted the end of his nightmares and the descent of his dreams, and no matter how exhausted Eiji felt, it still played that peppy solo.

With the press of a button and a moment to scroll through his phone, he was able to sit up in bed and feel the emptiness of the room.

He was suppose to have a roommate, but after his two-year time in New York, the college had to drop him. He wasn’t torn up, he still got accepted back to a smaller school in Tokyo. His marks were considerably high even without the superstar athletics.

After looking through and responding to all of his various notifications, he dialed up a number that was worn with use.

“Hello?” Eiji called to the air, the phone perched next to his ear and smiling expectantly for the rising sun at the end of the cellular wavelengths.

“Hey Ei-chan,” Ash spoke, the smile audible from the other side.

It wasn’t uncommon that they would call each other while they woke up and got ready for the day, on one their opposites of the world. One would be waking up, another would be going to sleep. The night dark on one end, the sun light on the other. 

“How was your day?”

“Empty,” Ash sighed. “Four more days though.”

“Four more days,” Eiji echoed, overlooking the swamp of schoolwork. Eiji’s room became clumps of work scattered across the floor, the plain grey mat underneath contrasting the white paperwork and various textbooks. Right now, the spring exams looked hopeless, but he had three more and then Ash was back in his arms. He could do it, knowing that there was something to look forward to.

“I saw your text messages,” Eiji pointed out, even though there was read receipt on their messages, but it was a leeway into their small talk. “I did not think you were a dog person, being Ash Lynx after all.”

“I didn’t come up with the name,” Ash mumbled, allowing Eiji to poke around since Ash hadn’t turned defensive or dismissive.

“Would you want a dog?” Eiji asked curiously, sniffing a t-shirt to fold and use another time. 

“Maybe, I’ve never had a dog before.” Eiji filed away the information for later, knowing it could come to good use when they got could finally settle down. Not if, when. “Depends on what dog we would get.”

“We?” Eiji perks up, a smile growing across his face.

“I mean, I guess, you’d think, never mind I’m gonna shut up before I make a fool of myself.”

“Ash, I would love to raise a dog with you,” EIji said sincerely, holding a hand to his chest even though Ash couldn’t see the dramatics.

“Anyways, enough dogs,” Ash moves on, “what exam do you have today?”

“Japanese Literature,” Eiji sighed, picking up each individual book to slide into his small backpack, each posted with sticky notes. Every single one is annotated in blue ink, with red from the instructor and pencil marks for vague connections. Included in the collection of books is a notebook with handwritten notes. 

“Okay, I’ll leave you to study,” Ash admits, “Good luck sunshine.”

“Sweet dreams Aslan.”

By the time the phone call is ended, Eiji is running to breakfast to get something to eat while he reads over his note, honing his understanding into a fine weapon to destroy his exam.

  
  


**________________________________________**

  
  
  


Two hours later, everyone comes out of the exam a mixture of relieved and exhausted. Eiji in particular is in a state of exhausted relief, flipping through his phone to see Sing’s new post with Nadia and Charlie, a text from Alex asking about where he could find mochi in America, and another classmate freaking out over the math exam two days from now.

“Eiji!” a girl calls from a circle of people. Her name is Rei, and upon further focus, Eiji realizes all of his classmates from his Japanese Literature class are out of their exams. 

“Hey guys!” Eiji greets, stepping up to the crowd of people.

“Want to come to lunch with us?” a boy, Stephen, ask. 

“Sounds like fun!” Eiji smiles, elated at the kindness of his friends. 

The crew walks across the burning pavement, the sun high and clear in the sky, tilted just off to show some time past twelve. Eiji stole a glance at his watch and caught the hour hand at one and didn’t bother with the minute hand. Ash was probably asleep by now. 

They arrived at a local bar that mainly served college students with the occasional resident stopping by. It was bustling with study groups and loners in their corner trying to retain as much information while snacking on various plates. 

Eiji’s phone rang just before he got into the building, Ash’s ring tone clear across the sounds of the crowd.  _ Something is off _ was Eiji’s first reaction, but he quickly brushed it off the anxiety behind a forced grin.

“Let me take this, you all get a good table. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Once everyone was inside, Eiji pulled his phone and picked up the call, stepping away from the noise rebounded from the restaurant.

“Ash?”

“Eiji! Where are you?!” Ash yelled from the other end of the phone. “Why are you not in the safehouse?!” 

Eiji wanted to be defensive and state how he didn’t like Ash’s tone, but refrained. Ash’s voice came off as panicked and fearful, not angry and frustrated. The words were coming furiously, leaving Ash no time to collect himself behind his rampant, irrational thoughts, but they weren’t harsh and critical, more fanatic concern.

“Ash-”

“Why aren’t you here?! Was it something I did? Did I push you away? I-”

Ash’s spiral was sucked out of his throat by the gasp on the other end. Eiji could make out the phone clunking to the ground and the errratic pace of breathing.

“Ash?!” Eiji asked out.

The disheartening aspect was that this wasn’t the first time Ash had had a panic attack. 

The first time was fair more terrifying than the last, seeing as Ash passed out after a few minutes of Eiji freaking out. Ash had called sometime in the afternoon, startling Eiji from his classroom, where he went on and on about a grotesque, scarring nightmare. Eiji hated that Ash had such terrifying, vivid memories, but it set a small sense of ease and understanding that Eiji knew. At one point, Ash couldn’t explain himself anymore and snapped into broken breathing, unable to get any words out.

Eiji, never having come face-to-face with a panic attack, felt both the empathy behind the panic and the spiral of Ash’s health. It was too late before Eiji realized what was happening, and Ash was too far gone the tunnel of darkness to listen to Eiji’s words. It wasn’t the finer moments of their relationship and Eiji apologized so much that Ash had to threaten him with no kisses if he didn’t stop. 

Eiji adapted. He read as many articles and coping mechanisms as possible, learned what to do and what not to do, and promised Ash that the next time, he would be ready. 

So despite the how Eiji’s heart was bubbling and boiling over in the acids of his stomach, he took a deep breath, and removed the panic from his words and faked a sense of calm.

 “Ash, if you can hear me, follow me lead, okay? Breathe in for one, two, three, four. Breathe out for one, two, three, four.”

While Eiji counted out, he could hear Ash steadying his breathing on Eiji’s voice. He listened until the breathing quieted and the small puffs of air were inaudible over the phone, in which he stopped to assess their wreckage. Not just Ash’s, but Eiji’s as well.

“Ash? Are you still there?”

“Yah, I’m here,” Ash called out, a sigh of relief and fatigue cracking over the speaker. “I’m here.”

“Where are you?”

“In the hallway to my bedroom,” Ash spoke, sounding clearer than before.

“Okay,” Eiji states, leaving a silence that is clouded in question marks. Ash wants to explain himself, Eiji wants to ask, Ash wants to ask, Eiji wants to explain himself. They’re stuck in a confused, pondering sound where nothing and everything needs to be answered, so Ash steps up first.

“I woke up and didn’t see you near me. I forgot that you were in Japan and...panicked. I’m sorry.”

Eiji was about to coaxing him down from his darkening thoughts, but a classmate of his was wandering around, wondering where Eiji could be. 

“No, it is okay,” Eiji cajoles, waving towards the lost soul while his phone was still in his ear. “It is understandable.” Eiji’s eyes shook away from his classmates to process Ash’s words. “We did live together for two years, and you were probably still half-asleep.”

Ash silence accepted Eiji’s excuse but didn’t press the real product of his mind. They had created enough unspoken words and fatigue to end the tangent before they said things out loud and true.

“Can you give me a minute?” Eiji ask the phone, sound on the other side giving him the okay to turn to Eiji’s classmate, Kiyo-sama. “I’m sorry, I’m on important call,” Eiji spoke, switching into Japanese. “What’s up?”

“Oh, we were wondering if you wanted to order anything.”

Considering how tired Eiji was emotionally from tightening up his feelings and the nausea from his stomach, the last thing on Eiji’s mind was food.

“I’m not feeling amazing, I think I’ll take a break at home and pick something up for later. Thank you for the offer and you guys go have fun.”

Kiyoshi eyed the phone perched in Eiji’s ear, unable to fully understand the English words but not assessing the sag of his shoulders and the pleading regret on his brow as he spoke. He decided not to protest and waved off to Eiji to get back to his important call.

“You still there?” Eiji asked the call, pinching the phone between his ear as he rounded his backpack to his front and groped from his earbuds. A hum on the other side was all he got, as he plugged in the earbuds and put the speaker and bud to his ear.

“Can you hear me?”

A double hum that acted as an  _ uh-hu, _

“Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep?” Eiji asked, a word finally responding.

“Yah…”

 

**________________________________________**

 

It was two thirty when Ash’s stead breathing told Eiji that the little lynx was finally asleep. Eiji ended the call, laying with his back to the bed, sighing out. 

Now that Eiji had the time, he could rest. Without boyfriends or classmates or people interrupting him. Just the sunlight and uprooted sheets and smell of lavender to sew his soul back together. 

Ash hadn’t asked what Eiji had sacrificed to save himself from, well, himself. Ash was aware that unlike himself, where the gang was his life and work, Eiji had a life and work. Eiji was amiable and popular with people besides Ash’s gang, and knew that he was a great person to be around, whether as an acquaintance, a friend, or a boyfriend.

What Eiji didn’t point out was how much America had already consumed his life. He loved Japan, but scattered fragments of his heart were still embedded in the New York countryside, the asphalt along certain streets, in the floorboards of abandoned hideouts. The whirlwind of reality that had struck the Japanese man while he was in America left him off kiltered, unable to right himself back on his home soil. It wasn’t that life had become pointless, but there was unfulfilling sorrow that had rested on Eiji’s shoulders, with the tragedies of America still heavy on Aslan’s shoulders and the gang still pushed into criminal survival.

Eiji let out a sigh to the sun-speckled ceiling. He dreaded the three more years he would have to sit through this, but a far off image of Ash laying next to him, reveling in the peace and calm, made his heart smile. It was selfish by all means, considering how Yut-Lung was still out for blood and the mafia still hadn’t had their last words, but there was always going to be conflict. It was just a matter of how Ash decided to handle it.

_ Four more days  _ Eiji chanted.  _ Four more days till I get to see Ash’s face. _

And with a renewed sense of purpose, he put on a low music to look through his math textbook, working through practice problems until he couldn’t settle until an image of Aslan’s face, bright and smiling and unburdened, was written across the blank space of his sketchbook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, so I might be mean, and I might be dragging this out, but we get that progression next time. 
> 
> Okay, so if you are wondering, I am alive, just a lot less thanks to school. I've found that writing fanfic heals my overworked soul sometimes and while I may not be posting as much, I still write a shit ton of ideas that are 10 pages long. Sadly, I get in class and some can't type so know I have coded fanfic written into my notebooks from when I get bored in class and need something to occupy my hands and brain while I listen.
> 
> For you all, a poem:  
> Roses are red  
> Fishes are blue  
> I write shitty stories  
> but I love all of you
> 
> ALSO 1,000 HITS!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! *party popper!*  
> PLEASE LEAVE KUDOS AND COMMENTS AND LOVE <3


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